International Comedy Festival

Acts from all around the world come to Melbourne every year to perform for three weeks in the International Comedy Festival. Today was Marie's birthday, so we went out for dinner in the Italian District and then, on the opening night of the festival we went to see a show. The act she chose was a guy called Andy Muirhead. This is how he advertises himself:

"If you had one word to describe yourself, what would it be? More to the point, if your friends had one word to describe you, would it be the same? Thought not. Join Andy (Raw Comedy National Finalist 2003, Comedy Zone 2005 and host of ABCTV's "Collectors") for a hilarious look at the way we see ourselves and the way the world sees us."

The show was in the Wee Room in the Town Hall, and "wee" was a very apt description for the venue. No, not because it was covered in wee from people pissing themselves laughing, but rather because it measured 20x5 metres and host to a grand total of about 30 seats. Everyone knows the worst thing you can do when going to stand up comedy is to get there late, so we turned up 10 minutes after the show had started and made our way down the cramped aisle to the front rows to the only seats remaining. At this point Andy Muirhead had plucked an American girl from the front row and had her on stage reading out his big intro. If we'd been 5 minutes earlier it probably would have been us, and for this I am grateful. Naturally while she was on stage we stole her seat and started to watch the show.

As stated in his advertising material, Muirhead is presenter on ABC's "Collectors", and his proudest moment was when his show attracted a higher audience than "Backyard Blitz" in the ratings. Nope, it didn't ring any bells with me either. Being a TV presenter, I think this was his first foray into standup and at times it showed. We all laughed, but in an audience of 30 we were laughing more than we would normally have to pad out the emptiness of the venue. Plus he seemed like a really nice bloke and we wanted to help him out. After 45 minutes or so he wound up his set and the audience started to leave. As we were at the front we were the last to file out and he came down and chatted to Marie and Rebecca, and myself. He asked me how I enjoyed the show and I lied that it was really great. Then I launched into one of my own tales from the epic adventure that has been my life. It was a damn good story if I do say so myself - I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember being extremely funny and probably quite incisive with it. And what did he do while I was regailing him with my best material? He was looking around the room and not paying the slightest bit of attention! That cheeky bastard. I felt like shaking him and telling him to start making some notes for future performances. I'd listened to him drivel on for 45 minutes (laughing politely in all the right places) and now that I was giving him my best comedy gold it was falling on deaf ears!

Well he missed his chance. Don't come to me for tips when you're short of material Muirhead!