Goodbye to NZ - things wot i learned.

I've now left New Zealand and travelled back to Brisbane for some serious R+R and to get the rucksack creases out of my clothes. I feel I've learned a great deal on the trip and believe it is my duty to share that knowledge with you.

1. Clean clothes find their way to the bottom of your rucksack and dirty ones form a sedimentary layer on the top. There is therefore a 94% probability that any item you wish to find in your bag requires extensive archaeological excavation before it can be discovered and removed.
2. The most useless object in my backpack (other than my backpack itself for Point 2 above) was my walking boots. Unless you're Rannulph Fiennes, a good pair of trainers or walking shoes will do you proud and won't take up half the space in your bag and make it so heavy you get a permanent curvature of the spine. For most of the time your feet will be so swollen and distended from insect bites that you will be unable to wear boots anyway.
3. Always have 2 bottles of shower gel with you because you will leave one behind just as you leave civilisation. Left unattended in a shower cubicle your shower gel will have disappeared within 15 minutes. Having a bottle for long enough to finish it is cause for celebration.
4. Do not steal plain white towels from hostels. If you do, you'll feel like you're stealing it again every time you stay at a place that has similar towels. Even worse, another backpacker might steal it from you thinking it belongs to the hostel. Instead try to steal towels that have a distinctive pattern and that are preferably not white.
5. Following on from Point 5, your blue ultra-compact "trek-towel" is identical to the blue trek towels owned by everyone else in your hostel. There is a good chance that the one you are currently using it is not the same little blue trek towel that you started your journey with. Consequently you should take care to wash this towel regularly if you wish to avoid more intimate contact with your fellow travellers (or steal a proper one from a hostel).
6. You will from time to time encounter people who are travelling off daddy's credit card - Under no circumstances should you alienate them for this fact. Instead, if you get to know them you can look beneath the wealth and privilege and you will get to see their inner beauty. Then you can fleece the little fuckers for every cent they've got.
7. "So how long have you been travelling for?" is the most common question asked when meeting new people and therefore is also the most dull. Try to come up with something a bit more engaging than this as an opening topic. Personally I find bitching about people who are travelling off daddy's credit card both interesting and rewarding.
8. If you cook anything in a hostel kitchen where the primary ingredient is not "super-noodles" everyone will treat you with all the reverence and admiration normally reserved for celebrity chefs.
9. Jokes about broken limbs and cracked ribs are not not appropriate humour when rock climbing or trekking on a glacier.
10. When arriving at a new location, never admit you got off the bright green tour bus in the coach park. When on the bright green tour bus, if you're over 30 don't tell people your real age unless you are prepared to live with the nickname "grandad".